God’s Top Three Pet Peeves

The Good Lord Our Holy God is really getting annoyed with most of you.

Some of you Godless unbelievers seem to think that the Lord will be infinitely patient with your constant sinning. This is not the case, I assure you. My God is not the forgiving and cuddly God of Vengeance that you heard about the last time you were in church, back when you thought White Snake was cool. There are, at a minimum, three sins that you must avoid at all costs.

One: Sex that you enjoy.

If you have a sexual experience, and you enjoy it, you are going to Hell. Sex is only, ever, for the production of offspring. God said that we should go forth and multiply, unto the ends of the Earth. God did not say that we should go forth and enjoy having sex while multiplying. Any sexual release, other than the male orgasm, is considered by God to be even worse than killing hobos for sport, which is highly frowned upon. Married couples should not enjoy sex, because that is not what God intended. I am not often so frank with you, readers, but you need to understand this message. The worst, most evil, part of a woman’s body is the clitoris. I happen to refer to it as “The Devil’s Easy Button”. Any contact with the clitoris, by either person in the sex-act, will cause God to turn his back on you forever. Clitoral stimulation also leads to genetic birth defects in the Satan-spawn that may be born through such tainted love-making.

Two: Supporting the Liberal Agenda of Satan.

This major pet-peeve of God is harder to define than the intercourse issue. Satan’s agenda comes in many forms, and you can only rely on Michael and myself to guide your path. First, as I hope you know by now, anyone who is not a life-long God Fearing Republican is an agent of the Dark Lord. I do not mean Voldemort, you idiotic heathens. Try to put aside your carnal lust for Harry Potter for a moment, could you? The only book you need is The Holy Bible. The Bible, when properly read, states that it is harder for a liberal to pass in to heaven than it is for a drunken young girl to live through an encounter with Ted Kennedy. That is pretty difficult, since Ted Kennedy is to nubile, inebriated females what black holes are to light and matter. Remember, anything that is not suggested to you by the far-right-reaches of the G.O.P. is a Satanist plot, and even considering these ideas will damn you to the deepest reaches of the fire-filled-pit of demonized Democrats.

Three: Selling your Lord for the modern equivalent of thirty pieces of silver.

So, are you a little short on money this winter? First, stop being a lazy and worthless simpleton, and get a better job. If that fails, though, and you still need to heat the house, there is an option. Citgo is offering heating oil for 40% off this winter. There is only one problem with this oil: It is the lubrication that Satan will use to sodomize you in Hell. The Satan-worshipping president of Venezuela (The “Sunny, Beautiful Hell” of South America) Hugo Chavez, is selling oil to Citgo at this bargain basement price because the Devil himself demanded it. Do you really want to heat your home with the putrefied souls of the damned? This “cheap” oil is laced with chemicals that cause terrible illness in humans, but help to moisturize and refresh the skin of demons. I for one prefer to heat my home with full priced oil, which is a gift from God Himself to mankind, and will last forever and ever. Joe Kennedy, notorious henchman of the President of Hell and longtime Democrat, is the mouthpiece for this Satanic attack on your home. If you would not let lice-ridden Gypsies inside to steal your children, don’t let Joe Kennedy sell you oil that will give your children cancer, homosexuality, AIDS and venereal disease.

My message is a simple one: If you cross the line, God will not welcome you back into the fold. It does not matter if you are an “innocent” child, or a withered, tube-riddled old bag of flesh. God does not love you by default. You must work each and every day not to cross God. If you sin, you burn, and that is the gospel truth. Jesus loves me, this I know, but how sure are you?

Note: this post is satire and should be read as such.
by Herman B. Hayes